Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Toxic FRIENDS!!!!!

Reading my blogs you will find there are things right with me and there are things hella wrong with me. Like the fact that I put up with toxic friends. If you don't know what a toxic friend is, I took it upon myself to make a list of toxic friends who I have came across over the years!
  • Someone who wants you to always be at your their every pecking call. They need you when THEY need you but when the table are turn they are hard to find.
  • A girl who never has anything nice to say about you, your man, your life or your situation. She subliminally hates on everything your doing and ever tried to do. She stays competing with you and can never let you shine.
  • A girl who always trying to bring dirt around you. She always has a trick up her sleeve or some type of illegal operation she working on.
If you have a friend who matches any of these discription than YES you have a toxic friend. I have dissmesd these women and some of these woman I still keep around.

There is this one friend in particular I wish I never would've met! We have been "frienmies" for about 12 years. I honestly don't like her and I roll my eyes every time she calls me. I know she doesn't want anything or has anything nice to say. I talk to her for complete entertainment. It's hard to talk to her because she doesn't listen and therefore I have very little to say.

Just recently shit hit the fan when she came over for my b-day. I didn't want to invite her to small b-day party but I figured she was on of my friends so why not. I had a few friends from work, a few childhood friends, some cousis and some of my bf friends and family come over to help me celebrate a new year. People showed up drinks were flowing the music was nice everybody was having a good time. This was the first time Tina had ever been to my place so she had me meet her at the front gate. I didn't want to leave the party cause we were having so much fun. I couldn't understand how everybody else madfe it up without a problem but she was having such a hard time. My boyfriend met her at the gate and she came up. She got inside and we did the fake "I miss you" hugs and I poured her drink. I gave her a quick tour of the apartment where she had something negative to say or compared her life to mine about everything. I let it slide but I could tell she was getting jealous by all the friends who came out to support me. She wanted to know everything about everybody. She really didn't care she just was being nosy and wanted to compare. I was her only friend and there is a reason why.

The night was going good when we started a grown up disscussion about how many dicks was too many for a woman to have. Everybody was giving there thoughts about and then the discussion turned into prostitution I wanted to end it there but before I could she says "Since you and your man share everything how does he feel about you occasionally sleeping with guys for money?" I immediately started sweating with anger. I have never been so embarrassed i didn't know what to say. She embarrassed me in front of my friends and man. I looked around and asked her who she was talking to. "YOU!" she said. I smiled, shock my head and started a discussion about prostitution should be legalized. I never even addressed her. 10 min later my boyfriend gave her, her coat. "What's this for?" she asked. "Oh we wrapping things up. You were the last one here so your coat is first on the bed. No offensive." He explained. "I have a long drive anyway." she said. She grabbed her coat and left. The room felt lighter and I felt as if I shouldn't have invited her. People kept talking and drinking and enjoying the night until about 3 in the morning.

Our guest had left and we were cleaning up. I sat down explained what Tina was talking about to my boyfriend. He replied "Baby you don't have to explain. I love you the same. Everybody does things they aren't proud of. Your friend was not being a friend tonight. Get rid of her babe. She's jealous and it's so obvious. When I met her at the gate she asked me to park her car. I told her to park that piece of shit car herself. " I was shocked she asked him to that. He's not no fucking Valet! For her to ask him that made me believe she looked at him as someone who is only good enough to park her car. I'm done with her. I don't answer the phone when she calls.

I have to get rid of my toxic friend. Only problem is I want her to continue seeing how good I'm doing. I want to keep her around but I don't. I still haven't addressed what she said. I just blew it off cause nobody seemed affected by it. She calls from time to time and still thinks we are friends. We are not. One day I'll kick her jealous ass to the curb. One day.....

Sunday, May 2, 2010

UPDATE!!! Should I leave?

Since the last blog things have changed a little in our relationship. I packed my things with the threat of leaving to see if he was going to buckle to what I wanted......... HE DID!!! I packed my things and he called and called to get me to reconsider my thoughts on leaving. Just the thought of him calling made me to weak to leave. By 5:00pm I was packed and ready to go but I knew I wasn't leaving. He worked a double shift, I knew he wasn't going to be home untill about 11:30pm so I never responded to his text for me to call him. Around 11:47 he walked in and instead of him doing his usual which is to sit down on the bench in the foyer to take off his shoes I could hear him rush into the apartment and straight into our room to see if I had actually left. When he clicked on the lights he buckled his knees a little bit and smiled with teary eyes. We hugged for about five minutes and it felt good. It felt good to know that he actually loved me and cared wether or not I left or not.

That night he asked me to give him 6 days to figure out something regarding his son. Four days later we purchassed a sofa bed so his son an daughter can sleep on. When Monday came around I went over my moms but it was warm that day so he asked if me and my 7 year old nephew wanted to go out. We met up at a local park and he introduced me to his son. The kid played around and we played around it was a lot of fun.

We are going to take it slow and ease into introducing me to his children. the sofa bed is there so his kids can get used to used to sleeping in there own bed when they come over. Eventually we are going to get a two bedroom. We are just going to wait util one becomes available in this building because we like it here. We are going to work it out. Ilove him jus as much as he loves me. Thanks for all the comments!!!!

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Should I leave?

I've been dating this incredible man for 8 months now and its been great. Let me back track and give you a clear understanding on how we became to be.....

8 Months back around end of August early September 09 I took a job as a server at a mom and pop restaurant. When I first laid eyes on him I thought "wow he would never get my number!" Needless to say I got the job and I thought he was a cool guy. They told me to follow him because I guess he was the head server. But in all actuality he was the manager. After my first night of working we were getting in the elevator and he asked me where i was going. I told him probably out for a drink and that's where we went. We went to a funky little BBQ spot out in Royal Oak. I wanted impressed. I am completely used to the finer things in life. I have a pretty face a nice body, no kids, a lot of ambition to do better and get better which makes men line up.

I wasn't impressed with the date or him. We he dropped me off I was surprised he followed me all the way to my house so that he could walk me up. He could've dove like most men, which walk me to my car say goodnight and separate. He walked me home and after that I was impressed. We started dating everyday after that and after a month we took our relationship another step and started sleeping with each other. Being that we worked together and he was my manager we kept everything very secretive but people still had there eyes and ears in our business. But that's not the only reason because he was in a 8 ear relationship while we were hooking up and I was also engaged to a man that I was with for three years. I used to wear my ring but after I started dating him I stopped. With my fiance being in the Navy and not coming home till March there was nobody who had anything to say about me not wanting to wear my ring.

We got closer and closer and even tough my fiance was far away he could still tell there was something going on with me. He was disturbed and it shocked me when he asked what my new "friend" name was. I just blew him off and told him I was stressed from working. In March when he came home we had made plans to move to San Diego where he was now being stationed. The only reason why I took the job was because I wanted to save up money for the move. He started arguing with me and calling all the time trying to get to the bottom of my strange behavior. That only drew me and Del close because soon enough his girlfriend and mother of his child started doing the same thing. Making it unhappy to come home.

January 16, 2010 his "wifey" not wife found out about us. I remember the day because Jan 17, was my moms b day. The night before we had took pics of each other kissing and holding each other. They weren't sexual they were romantic pics. She found them and kicked him out. Feb 1, 2010n we moved in with each other.

By this time Derek and I relationship was basically over. I came clean with him and told him how happy I was. He gave me his blessing with the only condition was for me to never contact him again. I was hesitant about it at first and wanted to say but the way he threw in the towel so quick mad me think he was tired of the relationship as well and had no real hopes on our future.

Now here is the problem. Every Mon and Tuesday I have to spend the night at my moms house. He said at first because his baby's mama wouldn't bring him over if she knew I was there. She found out anyway and told him that he can't come over as long as I stay over as long as I was there. Then he compromised with her and told her that I would leave Monday an Tuesday. At first I was OK with it because I felt like I was help in destroying there already broken home. I had this saying which is "you can take a man from a chick when he already has one foot out the door." We have been happy with this arrangement but lately I'm starting to want to stay in my home. He pays all bills and rent and when we go out he pays for that as well. So basically I have absolutely no say so. I asked him when was I was going t meet his children. He said and I quote "All my kids know is each other mothers. I'm not ready to introduce them to another woman." So he is not ready. He is not fighting for this relationship like I have been. I gave up my fiance, my dreams of having a real family, my name, my job and my pride. I told him I was moving out and all he said was "So I can't see you anymore?" I don't know what to do. If I didn't live him than I wouldn't have giving so much up for him. Should I leave because he won't officially introduce me to his children? I think he is just leaving room open for him to be able to go back to his girlfriend? What should I do?

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Living without religon while being black.

My father was a minister, my grandfather too. Booth my sisters are ordained ministers and my mother was a dedicated usher for 29 years at our church. Growing up in the church is a way of life in the African American community. Being an atheist is concerned worshipping the devil because a lot of black people are very judgemental and can't see past what they have already been brain washed to know. I grew up knowing the bible like the back of my hand. The more I knew the less I believed. When I was old enough to start asking questions without the ramifications of what my happened I did. I asked every person in the church who I felt had the answers to all the questions that were growing in my head and all I got the same answers, "Don't challenge the bible, trust it and you will find your way." HUH? That doesn't answer the question. They all said the same thing which made me come to the conclusion that they were doing what they were preaching which is trusting in believing in something nobody had any real proof that actually existed and if it did exist rather or not it happened the was we were reading about.

As I got older I started to notice something about the human nature. People tell you what they want you to know and how THEY want you to know it. Only thing is stopping a person from telling the truth is actual facts. Now I dd some self thinking and after Micheal Jackson passed away I looked at how they treated Micheal Jackson sort of like the new black Jesus. Think of Micheal Jackson like this................... Micheal Jackson was a very loved man. The bigger he grew in fame the more people started bringing scandals to his name. Like Jesus. There were a lot of people that followed Micheal despite the rumors. Like Jesus. When Micheal was getting prosecuted (crucifix) like Jesus people supported him till the end. Like Jesus. When Micheal died people prayed and prayed for it to be a hoax and not true. People got on Fb and Twitter shaming others who talked bad about him while he was alive. The whole world slowed up when Micheal passed away. Now imagine what would they say about Micheal 1,000 years and more from now. The would say he ws a great entertainer, a wonderful dancer, an innovator, a phiplatropist, a good father and maybe the best musical artist that we have seen of all time. Unfortunately the also have to mention his family history, his acquittal of sexual abuse and the millions of dollar's he put out to build a park to lure little boys in his home. If his fans aka "followers" had the power to erase all the bad things that would be said about him they would. Kind of like what Jesus followers did with him when they were writing the bible. They wrote and told us what they wanted us to know and nothing more. How am I told believe that?

I stumbled upon a documentary called "Religoulus" it's a film by Bill Maher the host of Politically Incorrect on HBO. He goes around the world and asking people from different religious background questions about there religion. Of course he gets shut out by just about everyone but I liked this documentary because it was a comedic spin on what I was going threw with my questions about god. It opened my eyes and sealed the deal on me admitting to myself and my family and friends that I'm a Atheists and happy and content being one. I was no longer living how I was being raised to and I was free. I actually lost two childhood friends because of it. They felt no need to still remain friends with someone who thought like I did. I'm sure Jesus would have done the same thing. De-friend me on Fb if he knew I didn't believe in his father. My family thinks it's a faze but they still love me and they aren't going anywhere.

I just try to live right. Make good decisions and let that be my guide. When I fear I shake it off. When I hope for something instead of praying I wish for the best and if it doesn't happen that I guess it wasn't meant to be. I work hard for what I want. Karma is my god. I get what I put out. Positive affirmations see me threw and I'm happier and my brain is healthier than it has ever been.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

New Raye of thinking........

HI!!!! Thank you for dropping by and visiting my blog site. These blogs are a release for me so
that way I can let out my thoughts and feelings without judgement. You will never see my picture because I would like to remain anonymous but what can say about me is I'm real. The things I'm going to write about our true stories and feelings. I'm a 26 year old Black woman from Detroit. I'm not politically correct with most of the things and I know that but who cares!!!!! I'm learning how to change my behavior, ways of thinking and much more about myself. I'm not a writer so don't think for a sec your going t get a newsworthy piece of material. I offended you, I don't care. If you think I'm ignorant, I don't care! I'm here for me not you. Please feel free to comment on whatever you want!!! I'm here to respond. MUCH LOVE KRITNEE!!!!